prenups & postnups

what a prenup actually is

A prenuptial agreement is a contract two people sign before marrying that sets out what happens to property, debt, and financial support if the marriage ends — by divorce or by death.

Here's the part nobody says out loud: you already have a prenup. If you don't write one, your state's default rules apply — rules written by a legislature that has never met you, and that vary enormously depending on where you live. Nine states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin) treat most assets and debts acquired during marriage as community property, split differently than in the other forty-one.

So the real choice isn't "prenup or no prenup." It's "the default one, or the one you wrote."

what it can and can't cover

Prenups are broad on money and firmly limited on children.

The child exclusion is not a loophole to find a way around — courts retain authority over custody and support because those belong to the child, not to the parents' contract. Any clause attempting to fix them is generally disregarded.

The most valuable thing a prenup does for many couples is quieter than asset protection: it clarifies debt. If one of you brings significant student loans or credit card debt into the marriage, a prenup can state plainly that it stays that person's responsibility.

what makes one actually hold up

Prenups get invalidated far more often for how they were signed than for what they said. Four procedural things matter most:

1. It's in writing and properly executed. Oral prenups are unenforceable everywhere. Many states add requirements — notarization, witnesses, specific formalities.
2. Full financial disclosure. Both people list assets, debts, and income honestly. Hiding an account is one of the surest ways to have the whole agreement torn up later.
3. Nobody was rushed. Signing days before the wedding invites a claim of duress. California's Family Code requires the final agreement be presented at least seven days before signing, and courts elsewhere scrutinize last-minute agreements even without a statutory rule.
4. It isn't unconscionable. An agreement so lopsided that it leaves one spouse with nothing tends not to survive review.

what it costs

Cost varies more than most legal services, driven by complexity, location, and how much negotiating happens.

Two things push the number up sharply: disagreement (each additional negotiation session bills hourly) and geography (major metro attorneys commonly charge substantially more than those outside them). Rush jobs can carry premium fees too — and they're also the agreements courts look at most skeptically, so paying extra to hurry buys you a weaker document.

Templates can work for genuinely simple situations — two people, similar incomes, no business, no children from prior relationships. But because enforceability turns on state-specific procedure, a template that ignores your state's rules can fail exactly when you need it. At minimum, have an attorney in your state review it.

how to bring it up

The legal part is the easy part. The conversation is what stops most people.

The reframe that helps: a prenup is not a prediction of divorce, it's a financial conversation with a deadline. Couples who go through the process are forced to say out loud what they earn, what they owe, what they expect, and how they want to handle money together. Most couples never have that conversation at all — and financial conflict is a well-documented source of marital strain.

Practical guidance for raising it:

• Early, not late. Months before the wedding, not weeks. This protects both the relationship and the enforceability.
• Lead with the shared goal, not with your assets. "I want us to actually talk about money before we merge our lives" lands differently than "I want to protect what's mine."
• Make it mutual. Both people list everything; both people get counsel. A prenup framed as one person's protection against the other is both worse for the relationship and more vulnerable in court.
• Separate the document from the discussion. Have the money conversation first, then decide what to write down.

the process, step by step

1. Have the money conversation. Before any lawyer, before any document. Incomes, debts, expectations, goals.
2. Each person lists everything. Assets, debts, income, expected inheritances. Complete disclosure is a legal requirement, not a courtesy.
3. Each person retains their own attorney. Family law, licensed in the state where you'll live.
4. Draft and negotiate. Expect revisions. This is normal and is not a sign the relationship is in trouble.
5. Sign well before the wedding. Weeks or months, not days — respect your state's waiting period if it has one.
6. Store it safely and revisit it. Keep signed copies somewhere both of you can reach. Major life changes may call for an amendment or a postnup.

the bottom line

A prenup is a document about fairness written at the one moment when both people are most inclined to be fair to each other. That's the whole logic of doing it early.

It's also one of the few legal tools that specifically addresses the financial vulnerability created by unpaid caregiving work — which is exactly the kind of thing that goes unmentioned until it's too late to fix.

Your next tiny step: before any lawyer or template, each of you write down what you own, what you owe, and what you earn. Trade lists. That single exercise is the actual foundation, and plenty of couples find it valuable whether or not they ever sign anything.